I have a blister on my lip that's now turning into a bloody scab. It looks like I got into a fight, like someone gave me an upper cut in the lip.

The bandage on my thumb is disgusting. The bloody cut inside is even worse.

I've got scars on my cheeks. Bruises (from who knows where) on my arms and legs. Disheveled hair. Worn-out shoes.

And as terrible as I look, and as terrible as I feel, I really don't give a damn anymore.

Because I'm tired.

Worn down to the bone.

And if I keep going like this, just a little bit longer, nothing's gonna be left save for an empty shell of what used to be a person.

Sorry. I can't keep on bein' Miss Sunshine. I need a vacation first.

You know it's a sad day when you have a million and one things to say to someone through text or facebook wall, but the minute you see him face-to-face, you're at a loss for words.

And what was supposed to be a conversation turns into a deafening silence after you've finished your hello-how-are-yous.

Where do we go from here?

The other day I was at a friend's house watching Recess on Youtube. Recess was this animated series from the late 1990s that used to air on ABC's One Saturday Morning. I watched that program religiously as a child. Saturday was the best day of the week because it was the first full day of the weekend, and if you got up early enough (around 8am), you got to catch the beginning of a three hour block of animated shows.

Heaven for a kid in elementary school.

Recess was about this group of elementary school friends and most of their adventures occurred at school, in particular during recess. They weren't just a homogeneous group of friends either; you had the fat kid, the sporty kid, the nerdy girl, the geeky boy, the bad ass, and the tomboy.

In addition, there was a social hierarchy in this playground full of eccentric characters, from the kindergartners who were portrayed as "barbarians", yet to be civilized as it was their first year of compulsory education, to the King of the Playground, a six grader. Of course, there are also the villains of the playground: Mrs. Finster, the yard teacher and adult dictator of the playground, and her snitch Randall.

You also had the Ashleys, a group girls all named Ashley who were rich (or looked rich), acted like they lived in a country club, and held their own exclusive club complete with hang-out. They were also very selective in who got to join their group. In particular, only girls named "Ashley" were allowed to join and only if invited by an Ashley in the club. These girls were vain, a whole lot of snotty, and talked like Valley Girls with their catchphrase "Scandalous!".

My friend and I were watching the episode in which the tomboy of the group, Spinelli was blackmailed by Randall. He exposed her full name to actually be "Ashley Spinelli" and according to the rules of the playground, the Ashleys invited Spinelli to join their group because "anyone on the playground named Ashley, if invited by another Ashley, must join the Ashleys". Of course, the Ashleys, who were always portrayed as a little villainous, did this knowing full well that it would be torment for Spinelli.

Because Spinelli is a tomboy. She spits, she gets into fights, and she gets dirty. Joining a group of dainty girls who spend their recess hour having tea in the sandbox and painting their nails would be pure hell for a gal like Spinelli! However, she was forced to join the Ashleys and thus Spinelli, now renamed "Ashley S." was forced to trade in her engineering boots, her beanie hat, her leather jacket, stripped leggings, and tough girl attitude for a nice cotton dress, Mary Jane wedges, a hat with a bow in it, and a girly-girl demeanor.

Spinelli was forced by the social pressures of the Playground to become someone who she clearly was not.

That's the synopsis of the episode we watched and the point of telling you all of that is this: as I was watching this episode, I felt brilliant. Inspired. Motivated! And if I really wanted to, I felt as though I could write a ten page dissertation on how this particular episode of Recess is a clear example of how society forces us to partake in "gendered roles". "Gender" is not what you are, but a social process, something that you are doing (West and Zimmerman, 136).

Spinelli is biologically a female. She's got the girly bits, but the gender she chooses to display is more masculine. You know she's still a girl, but the way she acts suggests that she's got a mix of boy and girl behaviors. And until we discover her full name, it was irrelevant whether or not she acted like a bit of both rather than choosing to act completely like a boy or completely like a girl. (Though in society, we would prefer that she act more like a girl. I have yet to figure out why this is so.) Her name, as she was known on the playground, was gender-neutral, which is why she could get away with being a tomboy.

However, once Randall exposes her first name as being an "Ashley", which, on this playground means you have to join the girliest-girl group, it was no longer an issue of Spinelli being what she was--gender-neutral--but she was compelled to adopt a gendered role of female by joining the Ashleys.

Even though she clearly didn't want to join them, she did anyway because she was invited by another Ashley and that was expected of her according to the Playground Code. This is similar to social situations we find in daily lives, where we feel compelled to act out our gender.

I'm not going to lie: there are instances where I waited for a guy to open the door for me at a store even though I was completely capable of doing it myself. I used to open my own doors, and even open a few doors for guys, but that created completely awkward situations where the roles were reversed (I assumed the more masculine role by opening the door, and the guy receives the more feminine role of accepting it--though with much reluctance). And from this awkwardness, there was a stall of confusion as the guy I kept the door open for waited for me to go through, but got confused when I was waiting for him. It just makes me easier for me, in this society, to not open doors.

And so I stopped opening doors. (Well, that's a lie. I still open doors for guys. :P)

Anyway, I was telling my friend, who is a bioengineering major, by the way (that bit is important!) about how gender is unavoidable, particularly in our society. I was telling him about how I felt sorry for Spinelli during the episode because she was forced to be what she clearly wasn't, all because of the pressures from this social institution demands her to act like a girl just because her name is Ashley Spinelli. I also told him about how my mind was racing with ideas on a thesis and how I wanted to write a paper on this one of these days, if I could.

He just looked at me without saying anything. We were reclining on his bed, our elbows touching, and he just looked at me with an expression of mixed confusion and speechlessness. I'm not trying to make stereotypes about how science/engineering majors don't think about these type of things when participating in a completely everyday, supposedly non-academic activity such as watching old cartoons on Youtube, but in this case, my dear friend fit the stereotype.

Finally he managed to utter out one syllable: "Whut?"

"Never mind," I told him. "Don't hurt your brain trying to figure out why I think like this. There's a reason why I'm a social science major."

Haha, and tomorrow we're doing it again (the Youtube-ing, not the academic dissection of 90s cartoons)! ♥

I have a blister on my lip that's now turning into a bloody scab. It looks like I got into a fight, like someone gave me an upper cut in the lip.

The bandage on my thumb is disgusting. The bloody cut inside is even worse.

I've got scars on my cheeks. Bruises (from who knows where) on my arms and legs. Disheveled hair. Worn-out shoes.

And as terrible as I look, and as terrible as I feel, I really don't give a damn anymore.

Because I'm tired.

Worn down to the bone.

And if I keep going like this, just a little bit longer, nothing's gonna be left save for an empty shell of what used to be a person.

Sorry. I can't keep on bein' Miss Sunshine. I need a vacation first.

You know it's a sad day when you have a million and one things to say to someone through text or facebook wall, but the minute you see him face-to-face, you're at a loss for words.

And what was supposed to be a conversation turns into a deafening silence after you've finished your hello-how-are-yous.

Where do we go from here?

The other day I was at a friend's house watching Recess on Youtube. Recess was this animated series from the late 1990s that used to air on ABC's One Saturday Morning. I watched that program religiously as a child. Saturday was the best day of the week because it was the first full day of the weekend, and if you got up early enough (around 8am), you got to catch the beginning of a three hour block of animated shows.

Heaven for a kid in elementary school.

Recess was about this group of elementary school friends and most of their adventures occurred at school, in particular during recess. They weren't just a homogeneous group of friends either; you had the fat kid, the sporty kid, the nerdy girl, the geeky boy, the bad ass, and the tomboy.

In addition, there was a social hierarchy in this playground full of eccentric characters, from the kindergartners who were portrayed as "barbarians", yet to be civilized as it was their first year of compulsory education, to the King of the Playground, a six grader. Of course, there are also the villains of the playground: Mrs. Finster, the yard teacher and adult dictator of the playground, and her snitch Randall.

You also had the Ashleys, a group girls all named Ashley who were rich (or looked rich), acted like they lived in a country club, and held their own exclusive club complete with hang-out. They were also very selective in who got to join their group. In particular, only girls named "Ashley" were allowed to join and only if invited by an Ashley in the club. These girls were vain, a whole lot of snotty, and talked like Valley Girls with their catchphrase "Scandalous!".

My friend and I were watching the episode in which the tomboy of the group, Spinelli was blackmailed by Randall. He exposed her full name to actually be "Ashley Spinelli" and according to the rules of the playground, the Ashleys invited Spinelli to join their group because "anyone on the playground named Ashley, if invited by another Ashley, must join the Ashleys". Of course, the Ashleys, who were always portrayed as a little villainous, did this knowing full well that it would be torment for Spinelli.

Because Spinelli is a tomboy. She spits, she gets into fights, and she gets dirty. Joining a group of dainty girls who spend their recess hour having tea in the sandbox and painting their nails would be pure hell for a gal like Spinelli! However, she was forced to join the Ashleys and thus Spinelli, now renamed "Ashley S." was forced to trade in her engineering boots, her beanie hat, her leather jacket, stripped leggings, and tough girl attitude for a nice cotton dress, Mary Jane wedges, a hat with a bow in it, and a girly-girl demeanor.

Spinelli was forced by the social pressures of the Playground to become someone who she clearly was not.

That's the synopsis of the episode we watched and the point of telling you all of that is this: as I was watching this episode, I felt brilliant. Inspired. Motivated! And if I really wanted to, I felt as though I could write a ten page dissertation on how this particular episode of Recess is a clear example of how society forces us to partake in "gendered roles". "Gender" is not what you are, but a social process, something that you are doing (West and Zimmerman, 136).

Spinelli is biologically a female. She's got the girly bits, but the gender she chooses to display is more masculine. You know she's still a girl, but the way she acts suggests that she's got a mix of boy and girl behaviors. And until we discover her full name, it was irrelevant whether or not she acted like a bit of both rather than choosing to act completely like a boy or completely like a girl. (Though in society, we would prefer that she act more like a girl. I have yet to figure out why this is so.) Her name, as she was known on the playground, was gender-neutral, which is why she could get away with being a tomboy.

However, once Randall exposes her first name as being an "Ashley", which, on this playground means you have to join the girliest-girl group, it was no longer an issue of Spinelli being what she was--gender-neutral--but she was compelled to adopt a gendered role of female by joining the Ashleys.

Even though she clearly didn't want to join them, she did anyway because she was invited by another Ashley and that was expected of her according to the Playground Code. This is similar to social situations we find in daily lives, where we feel compelled to act out our gender.

I'm not going to lie: there are instances where I waited for a guy to open the door for me at a store even though I was completely capable of doing it myself. I used to open my own doors, and even open a few doors for guys, but that created completely awkward situations where the roles were reversed (I assumed the more masculine role by opening the door, and the guy receives the more feminine role of accepting it--though with much reluctance). And from this awkwardness, there was a stall of confusion as the guy I kept the door open for waited for me to go through, but got confused when I was waiting for him. It just makes me easier for me, in this society, to not open doors.

And so I stopped opening doors. (Well, that's a lie. I still open doors for guys. :P)

Anyway, I was telling my friend, who is a bioengineering major, by the way (that bit is important!) about how gender is unavoidable, particularly in our society. I was telling him about how I felt sorry for Spinelli during the episode because she was forced to be what she clearly wasn't, all because of the pressures from this social institution demands her to act like a girl just because her name is Ashley Spinelli. I also told him about how my mind was racing with ideas on a thesis and how I wanted to write a paper on this one of these days, if I could.

He just looked at me without saying anything. We were reclining on his bed, our elbows touching, and he just looked at me with an expression of mixed confusion and speechlessness. I'm not trying to make stereotypes about how science/engineering majors don't think about these type of things when participating in a completely everyday, supposedly non-academic activity such as watching old cartoons on Youtube, but in this case, my dear friend fit the stereotype.

Finally he managed to utter out one syllable: "Whut?"

"Never mind," I told him. "Don't hurt your brain trying to figure out why I think like this. There's a reason why I'm a social science major."

Haha, and tomorrow we're doing it again (the Youtube-ing, not the academic dissection of 90s cartoons)! ♥